The Boondock quotes :D

om: Hey boys! Hey there Huey, Riley. I couldn't help but notice your sign and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me having to prosecute Mr. Kelly.

Huey: Hey man, you do what you gotta do.

Riley: (interrupting) Why R. Kelly, huh? What did R. Kelly do to you?

Tom: He's accused of relieving himself on an underaged girl on tape... which is against the law.

Riley: Okay, Okay, Okay. But let's examine this whole peein' thing. So I can pee in the toilet and it's OK, but if I pee on a person it's, like, not OK?

Tom: Well...mmm yeah.

Riley: Well what if I'm peein' and Huey's in the bathroom, and I accidentally pee on Huey. Should I go to Jail?

Huey: What the hell would I be doin' in the bathroom while you're in the bathroom?

Riley: Hold up, hold up! Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed when we was littler? From time to time I had a little accident...

Huey: You still do.

Riley: Shut up! So Mr. Dubois. Mr.I-wanna-lock-niggas-up-for-peein, what's the statute of limitations on bed wetting? Why not prosecute me and R. Kelly at the same time, huh?

Tom: Now, Riley, no one's going to prosecute you for bed wetting.

Riley: And you shouldn't. It's a natural body function. And now every nigga in the world gon' be scared to pee! I may never pee again!

Tom: Riley, it was a little girl!

Riley: Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.

Tom: Yes.

Riley: Gary Coleman's little.

Tom: Yes.

Riley: Mini-Me is little.

Tom: Very.

Riley: And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far!

Tom: But what about the victim?

Riley: Oh yes! The victim... At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?

Tom: I don't think that's...

Riley: (interrupting) I see piss comin', I move.

Tom: Hmm.

Riley: She saw piss comin', she stayed.

Tom: Yes, she did, but--

Riley: And why should I have to miss out on the next R. Kelly album JUST fo' that? (walks away)

Huey: (to Tom) Man, you just got beat by an eight-year-old.

Riley: (off screen) And, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'LL PISS ON YO CAT!

Riley: (answering doorbell) It's a nigga in a purple suit!

(Cristal hides as Robert walks to the door)

Robert: Who are you?

A Pimp Named Slickback: My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. (to Cristal) Bitch I hope you got the moneys to cover this little vacation you've been takin'.

Robert: Now hold up, Slickback.

A Pimp Named Slickback: No, that's "A Pimp Named Slickback."

Robert Freeman: That's what I said - "Slickback."

A Pimp Named Slickback: No no!, It's "A Pimp Named Slickback," like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!

Robert Freeman: Can we call you "Slickback" for short?

A Pimp Named Slickback: No, nigga! I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback!"

Robert Freeman: Cristale, who is this person?

A Pimp Named Slickback: NIGGA ARE YOU DEAF? I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback"! Say it with me now!

Cristal: He's my pimp!

Robert Freeman: Y-y-your pimp? So you really are a, a-

Cristal/Huey/Riley: Yes, I'm/she's a ho!

A Pimp Named Slickback: C'mon bitch now!

Cristal: A Pimp Named Slickback, can at least have a minute?

A Pimp Named Slickback: A minute? (short chuckle) Let us pray the pimp's prayer. Lord, please pray for this soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that she might learn a ho's place. Amen!

Riley: Amen! Yeah!

---

Robert Freeman: You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house!

A Pimp Named Slickback: What woman, sir? This here's a ho!

Robert Freeman: Not in this house, she's not!

---

(Huey walks into the dining room to find Robert asleep with candles lit, a box of tissues and wadded-up tissues next to him)

Robert Freeman: (wakes up) Wh-wh-what? D-don't blow the candles out. She'll think no one's home.

Huey: Don't worry, Granddad. Maybe she'll be back tomorrow. (blows out candles)

(Two young black men bump into each other walking down the street)

Guy 1: Watch where you walkin' nigga.

Guy 2: ey--ey, what'd you say, nigga?

Huey: (Narrating) Watch closely. You're about to exprience a "nigga moment." Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment where ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro male...

(The men pull out guns and point them at each other)

Guy 1: What did you say, bitch nigga?

Guy 2: Hey squeeze it, nigga!

Huey: ...Causing them to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner. I.E., like a nigga.

(The two men continue shouting at each other, then shoot at each other several times, missing every shot despite being right next to each other)

Huey: Nigga moments are unpredictable...

Guy 2: Hey wait man, wait! This is stupid!

Guy 1: Hey you right, dog. Look, let's put the guns away and go on about our business.

Policeman: Freeze!

(Police officers shoot both men down)

Huey: ...but they all end up bad. If they had their own category, nigga moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A.. It's a fact. Now let's see how a nigga moment affects a white man.

(One of the black men from the first example bumps into a white man)

White Guy: Prick.

Black Guy: Watch where you walking, bitch!

White Guy: What did you… wait a minute…haha, I'm white, hahahahaha! (he walks away)

Black Guy: Where you going!? Don't you ignore me! This is a perfectly good moment to throw your life away!

Huey: A common misconception about the "nigga moment" is that it can be avoided by simply movin' away from niggas. If only it were that easy; see, niggas always got a new trick right around the corner.

Granddad: Oh, look what you did to Dorothy! You better have insurance.

Stinkmeaner: Nigga, you betta have insurance! Ass whoopin insurance! And you're about to pay a deductible!

Huey:(narrating) And just like that, my Granddad was caught in a nigga moment. At this point, Granddad can a) walk away and let insurance handle the damages to the car or b) fight with a dumb, crazy, blind nigga. Let's see which one he chooses.

Stinkmeaner: Ha ha ha! That's right! I backed into yo' car, nyukka! Whatchu gonna do?! WHATCHU GONNA DO?!